Kristen Topp is passed out on my futon. It is 7:55 in the evening. I've been in Columbia since 4:23 this afternoon. My head is filled with a dull ache - not terribly painful untl I stand up or sit down or attempt to change the elevation of my brain even slightly. Lungs are heavy with the memory of smoke, the ghost of brilliant fire in unison with shiva's radiant emanation; it's not hard to breath but it isn't going to get easier later on when more of the same, always more of the same.
I was walking through campus earlier today and, although lately I've passed across the landscape like a hungry ghost, I felt a renewed sense of tranquility. My eyes were wide, drinking in every vibrant image like I was new-born. And in a way I have been reborn - the past 22 years have been gestation; I feel as if my life is just about to begin.
People ask me about my plans and then, hearing that I will be leaving, flying from here quickly, without regret, joyously off like a thief into the night, they smile and express their excitement.
"Yeah, I'm excited," or "I'm looking forward to it," is all I can really say in response to these people. Is it true? Technically. But honestly? I'm frightened, I'm anxious, I'm overwhelmed with desire, I'm flying from here with only some clothing to wear and a head full of wild dreams to weigh me down, I'm overflowing with happiness, I'm overshadowed by doubt, I'm the human condition, traveling between diametrical opposites of joy and terror like a dervish, whirling across the earth like a phantom.
One week, then one month, then another week, another month, two years, infinity - geography steals time from me but I am glad to give it now that I am leaving here, now that my legs will drop seconds and minutes on the ground where I walk and the ground where I'll walk will be hallowed ground, different ground, greener-on-the-other-side ground, the whole world, around, abound.
And now she's snoring, and I'm listening to CDs and writing, and thinking, and sweating, because in my cottage it is very hot, and I'm trying to stay away from air conditioning. I'm afraid of becoming dependant.
